Swiss Roll champ devours the competition yet again


BRANDON — For many gathered in the park behind the Brandon Inn, it was a celebration. Squeals of glee peeled off the line of children waiting for a chance to strap into a harness and rocket into the air on one of several trampolines or to muster the strength to avoid being bucked off a mechanical bull.

Little did they know that something else was afoot. Just feet away from all that fun, a crowd had gathered to watch this year’s Swiss Roll eating competitions after rumors broke out that a member of the International Olympic Committee was on hand to gauge the event. Although the IOC rumors proved unfounded, the event was nearly derailed by an international imbroglio of another kind.

The event’s founder, Jim Leary, took to the mic to address the crowd in jest. According to Leary, five-time reigning champion and Babe Ruth of the Little Debbie Swiss Roll eating game, Arturo Mendiola was thought to have been kidnapped—and by the Swedish Swedish Fish Eating National Team, no less.

Leary managed to keep a straight face as he read a “letter” from the Swedes. “Hello, Swiss Roll people,” he said. “We write to you today to inform you that we have ‘appropriated’ Arturo Mendiola. He is being well taken care of in an undisclosed location. You are probably wondering who ‘we’ are. ‘We’ are a hardcore group of Swedish Fish-eating competition enthusiasts. And, yes, we are Swedish.”

At this, the crowd began to giggle. 

“For years, we have lobbied for international recognition and competition for Swedish Fish,” he continued. “But it seems we must always play second fiddle to the Swiss Roll people. This makes no sense to us”.

The crowd began to squeal at this, echoing the children spinning and bouncing behind them. Hands clapped to mouths, eyes rolled, and chuckles were unrolled from bellies left and right.

“It’s always something with those Swedes,” remarked a sarcastic crowd member.

“Without your heroic champion,” Leary went on, “your competition will garner little attention. On the other hand, when the world learns of our courageous actions today, we expect to usher in a golden age of Swedish Fish domination—take that, you Swiss Roll eating dilettantes!”

Leary scanned the bubbly crowd for a moment after reading the letter. “I don’t know if this qualifies as a ransom note,” he said, “but if it does, it’s the weirdest ransom note I’ve received.”

Leary’s histrionics ebbed just enough to bring up the contenders for the children’s version of the event, which Eli Larocque of Brandon easily won. Leary noticed the dominance of the new champ and asked him if he’d been practicing. “No. Not at all,” quipped the cream-filled Larocque to the crowd’s delight.

Within moments of Larocque’s exiting stage left, Leary dialed up the drama once again, hailing the miraculous reappearance of Arturo Mendiola, who had not been kidnapped at all but instead had been reclining under a shade tree.

Mendiola burst through the crowd on the back of a golf cart driven by Brandon’s Mr. Everything, Bill Moore. The champ waved to the public and sneered at his fellow competitors as they lined up under the gazebo.

“It smells like noobs and fear,” said the sauntering Mendiola before ripping open his shirt and assuming his position behind a stack of cakes witless to the violence he would soon unleash upon it.

The other competitors, some of whom had come from far-away locales like Oregon and Washington state, were taken aback by the blustering champ. Still, none retreated from the challenge that awaited them: An entire box of 12 Little Debbie Swiss Rolls with only warm diet Mountain Dew to wash them down.

It was all over in less than two minutes. 

The machine-like Mendiola nearly lapped the field to pick up his sixth consecutive Swiss Roll championship, proving yet again that he was a titan of the gustatory games.

 “It’s harder than it looks,” said fellow cake-head Ben Hsiung of Brandon, expressing disbelief at the beating he’d just taken at the hands of the champ.

“Once your mouth gets full, you just can’t get it down,” said Ian Heitmann of Brandon, recounting the six Swiss Rolls he’d managed to choke down.

“How do you feel?” Leary asked the champ once he had finished dancing on the graves of his competitors.

“Full,” said Mendiola, proving himself to be a legend yet again

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