Canyon the duckie arrested for assault against July 4th competitor

Town left aghast at heinous crime


BRANDON—No one thought it could happen here in Brandon: a crime of such depravity that it defies comprehension. A young, virile specimen of a duckie was viciously attacked in order to eliminate him as competition in the July 4th Duckie Race in Brandon, leaving the once-strapping bird wondering if he’ll ever paddle again.

Winky, who came in 2nd place in last year’s race and has been expected to dominate this year, had just left practice on the stretch of the Neshobe River behind the Brandon Inn. He was waddling toward his summer nest on the bank when a masked assailant leapt from the reeds and clubbed him in the knee with a metal pipe. 

“I was just finishing a truly excellent practice session,” said Winky from his hospital bed at Rutland Regional Medical Center. “I was feeling great, like I knew I was in the best shape of my life. I was just a few feet from where I nest for the summer and suddenly this, this, this lunatic jumps out at me, quacks maniacally, and smashes my knee with a steel pipe.”

According to Winky, even through the pain—the sheer agony—he immediately knew who the culprit was.

“I’d recognize that fetid stench of duckweed anywhere,” said Winky. “I knew it was Canyon! That son-of-a-goose can’t win fair so he’s trying to cheat again!”


Readers will recall that Canyon was disqualified from last year’s race for cheating. His urine test showed traces of performance-enhancing algae and several spectators claimed to have seen him grabbing other duckies by the tailfeathers in order to clear a path for himself. 

Canyon showed no remorse then and denies the charges now.

“I didn’t do it, I tells ya,” asserted Canyon from the newspaper-lined cage he’s occupying at the Marble Valley Correctional Facility in Rutland. “I’m being framed. Yeah, that’s it. I’m being set up, dontcha know. Everyone’s out to get ol’ Canyon. Blame everything on Canyon! Well, I’m innocent! INNOCENT!” 

“My client has done nothing wrong,” said criminal defense attorney Lionel Hutz. “There’s not a single shred of evidence to prove Canyon had anything to do with this. The system is rigged! I move for a bad court thingy!”

If the allegations hold up, Canyon is looking at some serious time back in the mallardentiary, where he was previously incarcerated for the illegal distribution of duckweed.

“Canyon has been on our radar for years,” said Chief David Kachajian of the Brandon Police Department (BPD). “Some ducks just have no respect for the law. We’re glad we were able to get him off the streets before he hurt anyone else.”

When asked what evidence there is to link Canyon to the crime, Chief Kachajian declined to comment, noting that the investigation is still active. But Guinness, BPD’s K-9 officer, growled at the mere mention of the accused duckie’s name.

Winky now faces a long, uphill battle to return to his competitive form. Surgeons at Rutland Regional spent hours reconstructing his knee with titanium and space-age polymers, but Winky may henceforth always waddle with a waddle.

“I can’t wait to get back in the water,” he said. “There’s still time to get myself ready. This is nothing but a speedbump.”

A nurse brought him a bowl of grubs, which he snapped up only to spit right out.

“Hospital food,” he said sheepishly as a dozen squirming worms dangled from his bill. “I’m used to a higher grade of grub.”

Asked what he’ll do if he can’t compete on July 4th, Winky refused to even countenance the possibility.

“I’m not a quitter and I’m not going to let some mite-bitten thug destroy everything I’ve worked for,” he insisted.

For his part, Canyon is confident he’ll be exonerated and may even participate in the race.

“You haven’t seen the last of me,” he laughed. “I may be down, but I ain’t out.”

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