By DAVE PRAAMSMA
This Christmas will mark the 18th year that I have been forcing my kids to make homemade gifts for each other. It has been a source of exceeding joy and happiness in our family, whether my children realize it or not.
To be clear, the happiness of which I speak can be sourced directly to the Ancient Book of Dads. You’ll find it under the heading “Forced Family Fun,” subheading “Maintaining and Servicing Unpopular Family Traditions,” Section 2, paragraph 7. It clearly states (and I paraphrase) to fathers, “Thou shalt compel thy sons and daughters to engage in recreational family pastimes not entirely clear to them.” Diligent readers will note that an updated edition now includes a handy reprinting of Tevye’s “Tradition!” song from Fiddler on the Roof. (A gravelly-voiced rendition of this song sung in the kitchen while waggling your chest is recommended periodically for reinforcement.)
Of course, traditions aren’t easy. As you might expect, the business of propping up 6 craft-challenged family members to make something, all the while reminding them of the joy they are experiencing, is no small undertaking. Like getting everyone on board for matching family sweaters, for example, “generating enthusiasm” is really key. To this end, we decided back in 2009 to spice things up by including a “Duct Tape Element.” (As a means to really enriching the pastime you might say.) If the beauty of this tradition was ever in question, 2009 really put it all to rest. My wife was outfitted with a rather regal pair of duct tape slippers. I, no less a beneficiary, was presented with a rather versatile “duct tape bowl” that my son informed me “could also be used as a yarmulke.” Plainly the spirit of a homemade Christmas tradition was taking root.
When I share these experiences with equally enterprising but younger parents, however, oftentimes I am asked how they too might adopt similar traditions. Invariably my answer is the same: begin before they are speaking. But the best position to be in, of course, is the continuation of a generational tradition. One with cloudy origins and historically ambiguous beginnings which no one is completely clear on.
This is a truism I learned the hard way. My wife, known for her boldness, one year dared to declare a completely brand-new tradition, mid-stream, so to speak, back in 2012. Henceforth, she proclaimed, we would dine on Chinese food every New Year’s Day. And we would all enjoy this very much. As you can probably guess, not having a long-standing, nearly forgotten, origin to point to, a certain vulnerability reared its head. By virtue of its sheer newness, certain time-tested lines of defense were perilously unavailable. (“Because we’ve always done it this way!” or “Your great-grandfather would roll over in his grave!”). Regretfully, things fizzled after only a few attempts. (Again, I refer back to the Book of Dads, chapter 27: “Teenagers and Establishing New Traditions: Perils and Pitfalls”)
Despite years of chest waggling however, one part of our family’s gift tradition has proven to be especially problematic, and that is the Christmas-Day-Poem-Requirement. In addition to creating at least one homemade gift, family members were asked—subpoenaed really—to report to the gift exchange with at least one tastefully written original poem.
Let me explain right now that this part of the tradition really dates back to my father. (A big proponent of the “Forced Family Fun” doctrine, I might add.) By executive order, one year he announced a poem requirement from each of my siblings and me. His poems, it must be said, were these colossally long, never-ending, multi-stanza, rambling dissertations. No one got anywhere near the gifts until poems were read. The whole business felt more like a gift-exchange filibuster. (Picture Ted Cruz reading those Dr. Seuss books on the Senate floor during that infamous 23-hour marathon speech to block Obamacare in 2013.) But in truth I would have danced the cancan if that would have earned me a present.
I suppose I can only hope for the best of traditions for you and your family this holiday season. I’ll tell you my heart was warmed the other day when I asked a student of mine if his family had any traditional Christmas films going on. “It’s a Wonderful Life,” he told me.
“Excellent!” I said. “How many times?”
“Over 13,” he replied with a tentative smile.
“Keep up the good work,” I said.
