Dear Joyce
My husband just got a nice raise at work. Nice enough to make a difference in our lives. We can start paying off some of our credit cards and spend a little bit more on our kids. But it’s not like we’re suddenly rolling in dough. When we told our families about the news, my sister and her husband were immediately like “Let’s go celebrate!” So we got a sitter and went to a restaurant up in Burlington that they suggested and that would normally have been out of our price range. When the check came, my sister and brother-in-law didn’t offer to even pay half. I tried to joke about it and make clear that even just our half was way more than we ever spent eating out. Finally, they kicked in their half but complained about it all the way home, to the point where the whole thing didn’t feel anything like a celebration. They kept saying that family should share the wealth and what’s the point of the extra money if we were going to be stingy with it. We didn’t mind paying our half but are really surprised they expected us to pay the whole check, especially since they know we’re not well off and going out to dinner was their idea in the first place. And every time we’ve ever been out to dinner just the four of us, we’ve always split it 50/50.
It’s been a few weeks and we haven’t really talked that much since. I want to get everything worked out before the holidays roll around so we’re not all feeling angry at Thanksgiving. What should I do?
-Looking for Peace
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Dear “Looking for peace”
It sounds like everyone got caught up in the excitement of your husband’s announcement and agreed to a celebration that turned out to reflect a windfall and not a raise. A happy, spontaneous decision by everyone that unfortunately did not end well due to assumptions by both couples. However, from what you report, your expectation was not without foundation.
Sadly, it all too often happens that families and friends will do and say unpleasant things when it comes to money. Things that are hurtful and confusing and may be an indication of issues that go well beyond the situation at hand. I believe your sister and her husband’s accusations about being “stingy” and “not sharing the wealth” are not only unreasonable, but so far off track as to perhaps be an indication of what I am suggesting…something deeper.
The air does need to be cleared between all of you and how that will be done I believe falls on you to suggest. For starters, a conversation with your sister in order to get the ball rolling. Perhaps an expression of how bad it feels to be in the situation. How things went so wrong. Be open and honest no matter how difficult it may become and keep in mind the possibility of what I discussed above. If something deeper does exist and if that can be talked about…you will have had that windfall after all.
Best,
Joyce
“Joyce” is a local social worker (Masters of Social Work) and counselor with decades of experience helping people sort through personal problems. Her responses are *advice only* and neither she nor The Reporter takes responsibility for any outcomes of the situations described in the letters received.
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