Dear Joyce
My wife and I have a three-year-old daughter and we were planning to make this Halloween the first one where we take her trick-or-treating. But there aren’t a lot of houses where we live, so we were thinking we’d take her someplace with sidewalks and more houses, like Brandon or Middlebury. We were talking about it with my wife’s parents, who live near Boston, and they said we should bring our daughter there because there’s tons of kids and great trick-or-treating and they’d be happy to take her around and even make her costume. My wife immediately said yes without even discussing it with me. Halloween is on a Tuesday this year and I can’t take off from work to go to Massachusetts. My wife would be taking our daughter without me. When I said something about not wanting to miss our daughter’s first Halloween, my wife’s parents said they’d take videos and it wouldn’t be a big deal. But it feels like a big deal to me to be missing out on it. I was looking forward to the whole thing, even making a costume for her. She’s too young to really remember much, so dressing her up and taking her around is more for us than for her. I feel like I’m being cut out of something important to me, but my wife and her parents are acting like I’m being selfish for wanting to keep our daughter here. Am I being a jerk?
Trick-or-Treat Dad
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Dear Trick-or-Treat Dad:
You are not a jerk, and you are definitely not being selfish! In fact, I think your expressed desire to be a part of your daughter’s first memory and fun at Halloween is quite the opposite.
You obviously believe this day to be a milestone and for you a “big deal” that you want to be a part of. This is something your wife and her folks will respect when, as a couple, you and your wife revisit the discussion and present a united front as to where Halloween will be celebrated. Has anyone considered how your daughter might feel if you were not present? If the two of you are as close as I suspect you are, she would not be happy about it. Has it been suggested that the grandparents come down from Boston? If it has been and they cannot make the trip…you are the dad and should take priority.
Children at your daughter’s age are usually no longer afraid of masks and such and are very capable of joining in the fun without fear or hesitancy. Children at 3 and 4 are also capable of remembering special events. I believe what will contribute to her remembering will be how she feels as you all share the fun of working on the costume together, dressing her up, and taking her trick-or-treating. It really is, after all, about her.
It might be a good idea to speak with the parents of your daughter’s friends who face the same dilemma – where to trick-or-treat. Suggest getting a group together and going to the town that works best for everyone. That way the children will share the experience with friends and familiar faces.
However it works out regarding the grandparents, it’s always a good idea to make sure your phone or camera is fully charged for that video of a fun time and good memories for everyone.
Enjoy,
J
