By HILARY COLLIER
When we are trying to communicate compassionately with others, one of the biggest roadblocks can be understanding each other’s common humanity. This is particularly true when the messages and behavior being communicated by the other person do not align with our own morals and values. It is easy to react with judgment or anger, but we need to understand where these feelings of judgment and anger are actually coming from in order to effectively communicate with others in situations of conflict. Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment. But if we are able to transition to a more empathic perspective, that violence and anger can be replaced with far more productive communication and understanding.
In a classroom setting, it can be easy to fall into the trap of making judgments or assumptions about the cause of students’ behavior. But it is far more productive to take the time to look through an empathic lens, and think about what that student might need, and how that need might be the actual stimulus for the behavior that student is exhibiting. This allows us to more effectively communicate with that student and get to a place of common understanding.
We can help students communicate more effectively around these ideas by encouraging a switch from “I am angry because they are…” to “I am angry because I am needing…”. The real cause of anger lies in our own thoughts of blame or judgment. But rather than making a mental analysis of wrongness regarding somebody else, we can choose to connect to what is alive inside of us – what are we needing in this moment.
Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from our needs. It indicates that we are using our heads to analyze and judge others rather than focusing on which of our own needs are not getting met. But these judgments of others also contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies, because students are less motivated to have open and honest communication around an issue if they feel they will be judged or punished. The choice is ours at any point to “shine the light of consciousness” on our own feelings and needs, as well as the feelings and needs of others.
When we are in a situation where feelings of anger are present, or tensions are high, it can be difficult for others to hear our feelings and needs. A student might need to feel like their own needs are recognized before they can be open to hearing our needs. Helping students shine that light on their own feelings and needs is vital to creating an open and honest dialogue. When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings. The more we can empathize with our students, the more likely they are to reciprocate that empathy later.
We also need to give ourselves empathy when dealing with others, particularly when their message or behavior may conflict with our own values. As an educator, it can be hard to take the time to respond to a conflict rather than simply reacting. But giving ourselves empathy enables us to focus our attention on the humanness behind whatever message or behavior is being communicated, rather than simply reacting with judgment. When we hear someone’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity, and open the door for productive and effective communication.
